essence: j o u r n a l

P R O S E #1:

i dialed your number
thinking that it might be a good idea
for you to tuck me in tonight
but i hung up the phone at the sound of your voice
i wanted you to love me
for who i am and all my potential
but i am only flesh to you
breasts to squeeze lips to tease
i should make you pay for these
but i'm caught up in your disease
always trying to please
not tonight, i swear
i hung up the phone
threw the receiver against the wall
struck a match your number on fire
wiped my memory clean you won't be haunting me
i'm a new girl free
walking with a light step conscience pristine
damn you, damn me
i'm running down the street
two quarters in my fist
i drop them in the slot
and listen for a dial tone
before i dial from memory
that comfortable familiar
sweaty wet dream
you'll never live up to my image of you
a woman's imagination is such a powerful thing
a celestial ring
a golden string
a robin sings
you answer the phone
i breath heavy
heavy breathing
you recognize me
click.

3 Things I Know

They say Christ was crucified
And for our sins they say he died
It could all be lies
I set sail in search of the holy grail
And barefoot I stumble down the trail
With tears in my eyes

Three things I know
Forget what I'm told
We reap what we sow
And we all grow old

Everything that ends begins again

Oooohhhh

They say that freedom is worth the fight
So we sent our boys into the night
Who's side is God on?
I was born after the storm of Vietnam
I heard John and Yoko sing their song
Are those days gone?

Three things I know
Forget what I'm told
We reap what we sow
And we all grow old

Everything that ends begins again

Oooohhhh

Met a Man

You are always on the black top road
Desert mountains outside your window
You've got a smoking gypsy sunrise
And sleepless coalminers eyes
Dilated like a Texas night
I bet you've started your share of bar fights
And for every pretty girl you do what's right

You have to
what else could you do?

I have finally met a man
In this cold and lonely land
I have finally touched the light
In the blackest cruelest night
He holds me
like whiskey
Talks to me
I'm tipsy

Under blue payote sky
I hear a coyote cry
The landscape blurs in the rearview mirror
Like life left behind without fear
I feel his weathered leathered hands
Pointing to the promised land
I hear voices speaking tongues
I don't yet understand

I have to
what else can I do?

I have finally met a man
In this cold and lonely land
I have finally touched the light
In the blackest cruelest night
He holds me
like whiskey
Talks to me
I'm tipsy

I Don't Care if You Come Home

By now you're looking out the window
>From your seat in the fifth row
30 dollars gets you cross the state
I used to be your baby
But now I'm just your maybe
You can't expect me to wait

You say you're on your way
And I say, "hey, that's okay"

I don't care if you come home
Cause you lost me long ago, if you
Think I'll be waiting all night long, oh no
Then you'd be wrong
Cause I don't care if you come home

Found your keys on the kitchen table
Along with the bill for cable
The one you never paid
I gave your clothes to the Red Cross
They weren't any kind of big loss
Sold your records on eBay

You say you're on your way
And I say "have a nice day"

I don't care if you come home
Cause you lost me long ago, if you
Think I'll be waiting all night long, oh no
Then you'd be wrong
Cause I don't care if you come home

Some nights are cold without you
But some nights were cold with you too

Got a view outside my window
Of downtown San Francisco
The sky and the sea
So if you get lonely
And decide that I'm your only
Don't come crawling to me

You say you're on your way
And I say "stay the hell away"

I don't care if you come home
Cause you lost me long ago, if you
Think I'll be waiting all night long, oh no
Then you'd be wrong
Cause I am stronger now
You're be wrong cause I don't care
You'd be wrong, cause I don't care if you come home

The Road Turns

Father, the leaves are turning
Red, gold, & green
Father, I remember when you taught me
The names of the trees

And I want to know where did the time go

The road turns blue
under a starry sky
The wind blows through
my heart tonight
I can even hear it
curls me up inside
All we have is
a little bit of time

Mother, can you hear me
Change is coming fast
Mother, I am sorry
For the stones that I've cast

You, and me, we're all just passing through

The road turns blue
under a starry sky
The wind blows through
my heart tonight
I can even hear it
curls me up inside
All we have is
a little bit of time

Lunar Rings

She has dancer's legs
And eyes that glow like Mexico
She moves like fireflies
In Jackson Pollack southern skies

She's falling like dominoes
Where she lands nobody knows
Her hair rolls like waterfalls
Like golden tears she never shows

She's counting lunar rings
Though she's never been one for astronomy
She's shivering in the wind
Begging, beggin to begin

She's been six years on the road
in search of Jericho
She's taking refuge
in a vision of Calipso

She lost a lover
who was once forbidden and estranged
She charts the planets
To see if things will ever change

She's counting lunar rings
Though she's never been one for astronomy
She's shivering in the wind
Begging, beggin to begin

Red Sun Rising

I see the red sun rising
Like it was the first time
And I want you in the morning
I want you in the morning
Like it was the first time I ever felt desire

La da da da da da da da da da da da

I see the red sun rising
As I turn to fly away
And I know that you are sleeping
I know that you are sleeping
With my kiss still warm upon your face

La da da da da da da da da da da da

We've come to a turning
No time to pretend
Inside I am burning at both ends

La da da da da da da da da da da da

I see the red sun rising
On a colder day
And your voice over the wire
Builds a little fire
3000 miles away

La da da da da da da da da da da da

Glitter Gone

I was so deeply hurting
It woke me from my sleep
6 am and your back's to me
you're sleeping like a baby
and you're snoring, you're snoring
and I'm wide awake
and it's driving me crazy

and the glitter's gone
and the glitter's gone, gone, gone
are you gonna stay?

I wish I could cry so loud you'd hear
I wish you would hold me close and dear
I wish I was sacred in your heart
We share a bed but we sleep apart

And the glitter's gone
And the glitter's gone, gone, gone
Are you gonna stay?

You weigh heavy on me
like bricks tied to my feet
you make me fall
from the window to the street
I try to rise,
I think you want me to sink
In a cage you keep, in a cage you keep
The thoughts I think, the thoughts I think

And you withhold
And you withhold
And you withhold
And it's getting old
And I feel hollow
Like an old oak tree
Won't you come
And fill me

I was so deeply hurting
It woke me from my sleep
6 am and your back's to me
you're sleeping like a baby
and you're snoring, you're snoring
and I'm wide awake
and it's driving me crazy

And the glitter's gone
Glitter Gone.

yum yum

I wanna suck a lemon drop don't stop
Swim in a waterfall when it's hot hot
I wanna braid my long long hair
For the hansomest boy you'll find anywhere

yum yum
let's have some fun fun
out on the run run
we can kiss kiss in the sun sun
yum yum
let's have some fun in the tub
a rub a dubb dub
we'll be so happy and in love love

I see a little star in the sky sky
I make a wish for you and I you and I
I hear the crickets in the night night
They're telling me everything's gonna be alright

yum yum
let's have some fun fun
out on the run run
we can kiss kiss in the sun sun
yum yum
let's have some fun in the tub
a rub a dubb dub
we'll be so happy and in love love

I wanna lick a lollipop cherry drop
Tumble in the tall grass cartwheel really fast
I have a secret in a heart shaped box
Say Abracadabra it unlocks!

yum yum
let's have some fun fun
out on the run run
we can kiss kiss in the sun sun
yum yum
let's have some fun in the tub
a rub a dubb dub
we'll be so happy and in love love

Alive

The faded out eyes of my lover adored
Put a golden ring in the kitchen drawer
I look at the bottle and down at the floor
I wipe my tears and cry no more, cry no more
set my blankets on fire to get me out of bed
cause I'm weighted down by a sleep of the dead
I know I'm alive, because it hurts
I've got a funny feeling things could get worse

I am living
I'm alive
Most of the time
Most of the time
Hell yeah

So I start walking with holes in my shoes
Cause water keeps leaking in from the roof
I can't afford to make a change
And everywhere I look it's all the same
Now I'm driving through the cold and the heat
I'm talking to myself and she's talking to me
I see a broken motel with a rusted out face
Doesn't seem like I should stay...should I stay?

This is just a reflex
This is just a cartoon
Get me out of this feeling
Get me out of this room

Into the endless roads of the angel arcade
America thinks she's got it made
You can't come back from the dead
You just gotta keep moving to keep from losing your head

Don't Call My Name

I have no thirst
Only desire
No sense of time
This ticking fire

Counting backwards
To when your love was mine

You say we could fall in love again
But the water washed away the bridge
Can't remember if I learned to swim
But I find myself diving in again

Don't call my name

Over my head
Into the bad blue
Oxygen waves
Breathe me into you

Counting backwards
To when your love was mine

You say we could fall in love again
But the water washed away the bridge
Can't remember if I learned to swim
But I find myself diving in again

Don't call my name

Swimming the ceiling
Skylights shining through
You are the island
I'm drowning to get to

You say we could fall in love again
Maybe we could fall in love again
Don't call my name

The Fight

They leap and tear, back off, then attack again
I thought this was over, but now there are only more of them
They tear at the flesh, but also at the spirit
Now they are circling me in this room

Why did no one tell me there is nothing to look forward to
Why did no one tell me there is nothing I can say or do

Would someone turn on the light
cause I wake up scared in the middle of the night
I can't stop my legs from shaking
I can't stop my heart from aching
I think I'm just tired of the fight

They are not beautiful, they are dogs from hell
And they will get you too
I am older now, but the dogs are ageless
And they look like you

I want to run to a small town with one road in and no road out
Where kids grow up, and grass grows tall, and I don't have to be anything at all

Would someone turn on the light
Cause I wake up scared in the middle of the night
I can't stop my legs from shaking
I can't stop my heart from aching
I think I'm just tired of the fight

Stumble through the darkness
The lonely and the true
Searching for a kindness
Am I getting through?
I'm calling you
I'm calling you